It has been one year since I became a parent.

Here are some thoughts and reflections from this time:

Transition

Everything changes. Before, my life was split into three stages — childhood > adolescence > adulthood. The first three stages were gradual transitions, lines blurred between each, slow evolutions.

Now, I have been thrust into the fourth stage — parenthood. One day I was not, the next day I was. Parenthood feels like a leap into a new stage of life. For my first 19 years, the centre of the world lay within myself. Then with D, as our relationship grew, it became shared between us. Now for the first time, it feels like it has moved outside of me, beyond me. It feels natural and right, yet terrifying.

Slow, then fast

The beginning starts slow. She drinks and sleeps, a repeated cycle each day. She lies on her back, immobile, for many months. Then one day, she rolls over by herself! The first big achievement. Then not much else for more months, another lull.

Then a sudden acceleration in progress, many things in quick succession. A halfhearted crawl turns into a full crawl, a few sounds turns into energetic babbling, an occasional smile turns into a full range of facial expressions – laughter, delight, disapproval, disbelief. Then the sudden strength to pull herself up to stand. So much happens so quickly.

Joy

Her natural state is joy and silliness. We didn’t teach her this. As she is growing, glimpses of her personality are coming through by herself. Naturally, she is so joyful and silly. She is unaware of herself, just being. She is curious and light. She is at a time where there are infinite possibilities in front of her.

Perspective

It feels like I am watching the same journey of life, what I lived through before, from being born and growing up, just watching from a new position now. I have moved up the ladder. Instead of being the child, I am now the parent. The same journey, a different time and place and circumstance, a new position and perspective. We don’t remember our early years. It is a new experience, seeing this for the first time, watching her go through this early part of life.

Emotions

As she is growing and experiencing new emotions, I feel the same myself. Parenthood is expanding my internal world. I am experiencing a wider range of emotions than I have felt before. I didn’t expect this, it just happens itself. New kind of love and joy — visceral and intense and enveloping. New kind of pride and protectiveness. New kind of fear and worries and anxieties. On occasion, new kind of absurdities and messiness. There are more things outside of my control now, more to lose. Yet I see her again, and she brings me back to the present moment.

What it is all for

Sometime during the past year, I realised, this is what it is all for. Some things are ethereal feelings, and difficult to describe with words. Everything before and around has led up to this, and everything after has started from this now.