Recently, I had an epiphany.

I realised that so many of the great books and stories I read, and the films and shows I watch can be distilled down to the same singular question and theme — how much control does one feel like they have in their own life?

This question and theme coincidences with what I have been reflecting on lately.

On the last 15 years, I can look at my life in 3 phases. Firstly, my teenage years, when the dominant themes were around looking for peer acceptance, and searching to fit in and “look cool”. Secondly, my early 20’s, when the dominant themes were around self reinvention, experimentation, some more self assuredness, and trying to plan and conceptualise what post-university life would be like. Thirdly, now my mid to late 20’s, one of the dominant themes is grappling with this concept of “sense of control”.

My current theory is that this idea of “sense of control” is an internal feeling based on many underlying factors, including:

• Current state of your life, relative to your aspirations and expectations
• Some projections on the future trajectory of your life
• Being yourself, and degree to which you feel like you can express yourself
• Internal dialogue, and your day-to-day state of mind
• Independence, physically and mentally
• Resilience, and your ability to deal with adversity
• Self acceptance, and self belief
• Relationship with your past
• How you respond to the expectations of others
• Primary motivations
• Whether you can make sense of the world, and your place in it

Here are some of my thoughts on this:

Habits and choices

I often think of this quote, “Hard choices, easy life. Easy choices, hard life.” It simplifies the often true dynamic that difficult choices in the short-term, often lead to better outcomes in the long-term — whereas easier and more pleasant choices in the short-term, often lead to worse outcomes in the long-term.

This is often true in universal areas of health, money, relationships. It is something I try remind myself of. The tricky part is finding the right balance. How do you balance enjoying the present, with preparing for the future? How do you balance pleasant choices, with unpleasant choices?

Home ownership 

Home ownership is one of the check-boxes of a “good and comfortable” life. Like a few other check-boxes, it may not necessarily be an ingredient of happiness, but the absence of it may be an ingredient of unhappiness. As a simplification, there are two points on a spectrum of home ownership. The first threshold would be a place that meets living necessities. The second threshold would be a place that is varying levels of desirable.

Depending on one’s circumstances, a common feeling among our generation is that the one or both of these levels of home ownership are increasingly difficult or unattainable. It feels like a unique-to-our-generation paradox — where we are both living in the most pleasant and prosperous time and place in history, and yet we are also facing what feels like overwhelming barriers to home ownership in the same places we grew up. Is this a reasonable perspective, or are we asking for too much? But in saying that, the only path forward is to play with the cards we are each dealt.

Health and vitality

From my past experiences, the level of my health can be abstracted into 3 zones.

1. Zone of Vitality
2. Zone of Neutrality
3. Zone of Limitations and Dependence

In the last 15 years, I have experienced all 3 zones. In my competitive swimming years, I felt very much in that first zone. In my 20’s, I fell into the second zone. And with recent injuries and surgery, I fell further into the third zone. Now rehabbing and getting back into exercise, I have felt some unexpected brief and joyous moments of being in that first zone for the first time in many years.

I have realised the benefits of exercise and good health are not just confined to the activity itself. Our bodies are the vessels we each live in. That feeling of vitality is an amplifying foundation for everything else we experience day-to-day. At present, I am on a personal journey to rebuild my health.

Work and trade-offs

Work, and one’s relationship with work, is a Pandora’s box. Once you begin to ask some deeper questions, it is not easy to find answers.

What does one try to pursue? Novelty or stability? Altruism or self-interests? Structure or freedom? Status or freedom? Variety or mastery? Uncertainty or certainty? Is work a means or an end? Is one at peace with work in its modern form?

Each different type of approach comes with its own trade-offs. There is no one optimal approach. My inkling (may be incorrect) is that past generations had a narrower focus on working for their immediate survival. And in more modern times, our generation is fortunate to consider possibilities beyond questions of our immediate survival, and this good fortune comes with bigger existential questions.

Internal thoughts and courage

The space between our thoughts and our interpretation on reality, and reality itself is where our self agency lies. We can, consciously or subconsciously, choose our own thoughts within that empty space. It takes courage to accept that we have that choice, and then courage again to make the conscious choice. This is something I have had to repeatedly learn and relearn again.

That same courage is required with our relationships with the past. We all have past traumas that we carry subconsciously into the present. It takes courage to face these. In recent times, I have faced some of these traumas and made some strides with my relationship with the past. Nevertheless, this is an ongoing journey.

Living in the present

The past phases of life often had sets of directions and guard rails. This current phase of life feels bigger, more open, and more ambiguous. It requires us to learn different ways to navigate our way around. And there is no one right answer on how best to do so.

I think a common trap is to “live in the future” — whether that be worrying, fantasizing, anticipating, or planning. I often catch myself in these types of thoughts. It is an easy form of escapism.

I am finding one of main lessons from this phase of life so far, is to learn to slow down and appreciate the present, and all the current struggles and progresses as they are. This is a reminder to myself that this current climb up my personal mountain is what there is to enjoy, not waiting for some future summit.