In the immediate moments after my dad passing away, I felt a flood of warm bittersweet feelings pouring in, reminiscing on the good memories. It was a reflex that I did not expect. It felt like I was just a passenger on a ride. As if the dormant ride conductor in my head knew what to do, the gears in my head turned, and I was taken on a tour of the good past memories.

I reflected a lot on my childhood. It was during that time that I spent the most time with my dad, and learnt the foundational lessons from my parents. Thinking back, as a young boy I learnt more by observing than by instruction. I think that is how children learn, by osmosis, by absorbing their surroundings. These core values that we subconsciously absorb as children shape part of the people we later become. It is important that as we develop our own critical thinking, we re-examine those values, build on the values we want to keep, and shed the values we want to discard. Through this reflecting, I have a greater appreciation for my dad. I understand better now that we cannot separate the strengths and flaws within people, and all we can do is accept and appreciate them for who they are.

Frugality and the value of money

From what I understand, he grew up with a big family on a rural mountain farm. It was tough, and they did not have much to go around. By necessity, this created a “survival” mentality. Later in life, he immigrated to Australia. I think the following is a common storyline for many immigrant families. They restarted life in a new country, without being natural English speakers, without many family connections, without many social connections, and with less generational resources than their neighbours. Again by necessity, this fostered the need to be extremely resourceful. Every dollar needed to be stretched. Every material item needed to be used to its full lifespan before being replaced. If there was a more affordable option that could do the same thing, then go with that one.

From these childhood experiences, I think I have learnt the value of money. This has formed a strong foundation of first-hand experience that has fueled me to learn how to manage my own money.

Self belief and encouragement

He was my first supporter. My mum was more of the listener and confidant, my dad was more of the encourager. Like many other fathers and sons, he always told me that he believed in me and that I was special. It is hard to quantify what effect that had on me as a young boy growing up. I think hearing that repeatedly, I did embody some of that and it did give me some deep intangible level of self belief that we all need in everyday life. This is something I took for granted at that time. But looking back, I was lucky to have someone in my corner encouraging me on.

Consistency and responsibility

Every day for many years, he would drive my brother and me to and from swimming training. Many of those days were at 4.45am in the morning on weekdays, or at 5.45am on Saturdays. He would drive me to the train station every morning to go to school. He was there at every swimming competition. As a young boy, I thought this was quite normal. In hindsight, this was an uncommon example of consistency and a very big sacrifice on his part. Another example was that he always wanted the family to have dinner together, even as we grew older. 

Seeing this as an example was likely a formative cornerstone in my own development, directly and indirectly. In direct ways, perhaps I would not have been so committed to swimming and other pursuits had he not been so consistent with his portion of the responsibilities. His consistency made me more accountable with my responsibilities. In indirect ways, I think this quality has seeped into other areas of my life. One of the qualities that comes more naturally to me as a person is being consistent with what I have set my mind to. Oftentimes, I feel a sort of responsibility or duty to follow through, and I suspect this is part of where that originates from.

Relationships

As a teenager, his parents divorced. From what I understand, this had quite a negative impact on him and his siblings. I think this influenced how he wanted to raise his own family, and what he thought was important. He was adamant that we (the children) come first in the family, and that separation or divorce was not an easy way out during hard times. Like all parents, I watched my mum and dad go through rough patches and dark periods. Like every kid, I had moments where I just wanted an argument to stop and thought it would all be easier if they just split up. But they always stuck through it, and found ways to work around the issues.

Again by example, I have absorbed some of those values. In my own relationship (as in all relationships), there are moments where different people from different backgrounds would handle differently. Perhaps if I had a different upbringing, I would have felt the “normal” or “right” approach would be to take the exit. But because of my upbringing, my default option has always been to work on the issues at hand, and come out better on the other side.

Question for you

I think it is healthy that to share and talk about these experiences. What are some of the lessons you have learnt from your parents?